ENGLISH AS SHE IS WROTE

English is by far the most useful tool in my toolbox and I count myself as very fortunate to be able to speak and write it reasonably well. It is easily the most widely spoken language in the world, despite its insane spelling and tortuous grammar. One has to wonder at the perversity of mankind which has opted to use this fiendishly difficult language, instead of more modern, logically spelled and constructed languages such as Afrikaans, which are infinitely easier to conquer. But let’s be honest, while the whole world manages to speak English successfully to some degree, the truth is very few people actually speak “perfect” English. The real secret of English’s success is its ability to happily live alongside a native tongue and absorb much of it and yet still be understandable to another English speaker. English is a shapeshifting chameleon which goes anywhere and has the power to bridge just about any communication divide between radically different people.

However, while this happy ability is what makes English so widely used, it has an unintentional humorous side to it, which home language English speakers can’t help but find amusing. In the 19th century Pedro Carolino wrote a Portuguese/English phrase book which he termed, “English as she is spoke”. He wasn’t being facetious when he gave the book that title – it was just his literal translation of the Portuguese “English as it is spoken”. (Hence my paraphrased title) Many of his earnest but fatally flawed translations were hilariously funny and his book unintentionally became a work of humour instead of a useful phrase book. For example, Carolino translates the Portuguese phrase “chover a cântaros” as raining in jars", when an analogous English idiom is available in the form of "raining buckets". There is a huge store of unconscious humour to be found throughout the world in Spanglish, Engrish, Franrish etc but I would just like to give some samples of the local product. English and Afrikaans cross influence one another endlessly. I’m sure we can all relate to that but our African language speakers (Zulu, Sotho, Xhosa, Venda etc) have also added their voices to the Babel, which while quite understandable, inevitably will sometimes result in laughter.

Back when I worked in the erstwhile Transkei, the men folk of the area had to go elsewhere in the country to where labour was in demand, to earn a living. One of these areas was the diamond mining towns along the West Coast – Kleinzee and Alexander Bay. There were no banks in those areas and the chaps working there felt a need to get their hard earned money into a safe place so they would pop along to their Post Office, buy a sturdy registered envelope and ship their money back to Barclays Bank in Sterkspruit. They had complete faith in the bank and the system and envelopes often contained (for then) large amounts of cash – R200 was not uncommon. Once or twice a month, we would receive a hundred and more registered envelopes, stuffed full of banknotes. Just opening and counting all that money was several hours work for a couple of clerks.

The utterly charming trust placed in Barclays bank in Sterkspruit was simply phenomenal and testimony to the efforts of my predecessors in bringing banking to thousands of unsophisticated and unbanked people.

What really complicated things was the fact that the majority of the remitters had no accounts with us and we simply opened savings books with whatever sketchy information could be gleaned from the envelopes and letters. The latter were often couched in strange and comic terms. There must have been a self appointed agent for the bank working in Kleinzee because many of the letters were in the same handwriting and in similar “English”. I used to joke that we had an “agency” thousands of kilometers away from the parent branch. I started keeping some of those delightful little communications which had served their senders well but had also managed to raise a good few chuckles with me, the receiver.

Here are some examples :

Dear Barclays Bank, I want to hear, please what about my chick, which did I send on the tweenty eight of Tebruary and the form I was sign. Well, as I wait for it so long, will you please me, give it to my wife that charck. If you did not send to me. I am remain there.

Needless to say, I don’t think we could tell him anything about either his “CHICK” or even his “CHARCK” but what a nice polite letter. I sure hope we solved his problem….. whatever it was.

Dear Sir, I am hereby applying for Mak Menstak for posting R7.00

Was he helping some dumb Scotsman send money perhaps ? I wonder …………. I see from his letterhead that he worked in a place called HOLGAT ! Wow, what an unfortunate combination of Afrikaans words. That really was the a**e end of the world.

I hereby be to be Admitted to be Admitted as one of your Assistant Clerks……… Let me pen off hoping for best reply

It’s a pity we had no vacancies at the time as the lady had beautiful handwriting and quite a sweet turn of phrase.

My Dear Ser please sent acheak money to me an way you see can sent it balance.

I still wonder how this fellow got to a word like “acheak”.

Dear Sir, I wonder why, you do not send my forms which you say I must sinne. And you have my address. Do you want to be late in my time, which I must have in my mony be course if I sinne late, I got loos.

The man was obviously angry and concerned that he was losing interest because of our tardiness in getting some forms to him which he had to sign. And before you ask, the LOOS are/is definitely not what you are thinking…..

Dear Pleas Thes chelt.me Joe Soap no book Thes chelt oll R60 (£30)

This was in the mid sixties and it seems decimalization was still making this fellow uneasy. Chelt can either be a corruption of the Afrikaans “geld” or a misspelling of “chelete” the Sotho word for money. Easy peasy really – we simply opened an account for him. Isn’t English wonderful ?

I thanked very much to have this short occasion for dotting you Sirs these few lines under this circumstance. I request to know how do you do Sir when a person enclose for money at the Barclay Bank Probably I can close £12 at the same time what is the increment of 2 Rands it goes a month or after a year. I would very much oblige if you can introduce me so very soon.

Such a polite and formal letter. He must have been disappointed because the interest rate on savings in those far off days was a mere 3,5%. But he was a canny fellow nevertheless, considering “investing” money instead of simply banking it.

Please Sir receive my letter and the sum of R20 as well as you can, Please Sir.

Only with pleasure old chap…… no need to beg now.

I have also sent my book to Calvinia to get my increase. There is my increase down there.

Down WHERE ?? Guess it must be in Calvinia, right? Keep a close watch on your increase now.

Dear Mr Manager, I am very please to have this opportunity of time to dwelling these few lines. I am asking for a form of bank book. I am remain there.

He was wide awake in class when they tackled formal letters. Miss Teach obviously impressed on him the importance of being polite and of good cheer when writing to a business. Lovely chap.

Please take that Book It came to get overmoney.

This is English in action again. If you can’t remember the word (interest) then contrive your own.

I am kindly upplying for a job or a temporal job of any kind

As time machines have not as yet been invented, we have no temporal jobs but we’ll keep you in mind for when someone comes up with one. Your kind interest is appreciated.

I hereby beg to be one of your clerks and I am a girl of 19 years old. I am a Methodist church choir. I am a standard six child.

What on earth did she want to join the bank for? A girl who is the sole member of a church choir has to be pretty special and should easily find work in the music industry. Oh wait, maybe it was just a very small congregation that she belonged to. She had such a beautiful handwriting too.

I send R23 for savis. I Bag to remain y.r.s.

See kids, this is what you get when you bunk school – your spelling goes to pot.

I promise to obey all the regulations if I am favoured for an interview I should be glad to come. I hope you will throw a red herring across the trail.

Damn, she was doing so well and then she had to throw in that bit about the flipping red herring. Good command of English but a bit dodgy on the idioms. Still, I’d have given her a job.

Dear The manager of Barclays Bank I close this money its R25-00 Its all sir

Quite all right old chap. You decide to save at your own pace.

Please sir you may put it that deposit money of R7 and increase.

Hmmm. Is this a take on the Biblical “Be fruitful and multiply” admonition? Thanks for the permission pal .

There is the sum of R57 winch must spair in my savings book of Barclays Bank. I can be very much enjoy for the earliest replying for it as soon as possible will you please also send the forms for me

Playing truant when they were doing punctuation and spelling Michael ? Never mind, we got the gist.

Dear Sir we will I sending the money to you for amount for deposit Only R20-00 Please returned to me my book That all at aspeaking to you We remain

Is that a bit of the Royal “We” there? No doubt about it – that was all he had to say, in a manner of aspeaking.

I am hereby apologizing to Sir not to take me otherwise

Buddy, I can promise you I’ve NEVER taken anybody otherwise. I just wouldn’t know how...

Dear Sar asembliewe ek wel boeke Backleis sy boek ek was hier so by die Alexander Bay my plek Phelendaba hier sy my address ies my geeld van sestag R60.00.

(My apologies to non-Afrikaans speaking readers.) This is a perfect example of how easy it is to spell in Afrikaans. It is quite possible to do it phonetically. The only trouble with this guy is his pronunciation – he spells exactly as he speaks but he pronounces badly! Yet it works somehow. Spell English phonetically and you have gibberish.

Dear Sirs, As for my life I am still in good condition. Well then Sir I acknolege you that I dispatched money of amount of £10-00 by the boy. Sir under this circumstance I don’t beliefe is it any confuse but if there is something wrong you will introduce me very soon and that man I said to him these is nothing you can question him because after he had give you that salary you yourself you would arrange as usually because you know everything about the being I don’t think about any apologies. Yors faithfully boy.

This is probably what they call “stream of consciousness” writing. Write whatever bloody well comes into your head and the devil take the hindmost. Nearly sixty years on, I’m still unsure about what he was getting at but I rather liked the bit of flattery about “you know everything about the being”. This was another fellow not too happy about doing away with of the Pound.

I will be glad when you tell me directors of Farclays Bank. I am here at Alexander Bay. Now here there is no Farclays Bank. Please sir tell me what can I do when I want to keep my money in Farclays Bank.

I have no idea where he heard about “Farclays Bank” but he was incensed enough to want to get hold of their directors. That’s the spirit lad – go straight to the top. Don’t mess about with minions….

I notice that I have sended R20 to the Backlays Bank.

Ja well, we noticed it too so I guess all is well.

Please pass my regards to John which is concern with Clerical Job

This was rather touching as it came from a guy who worked as cleaner with us when I first arrived in Sterkspruit. The manager, Tom Wiggett fired him for dereliction of duty or something but he apparently bore me no malice anyway. He wrote a good letter and should probably have been doing clerical work but he was around before the winds of change started blowing over the country.

On my way to Lady Frere for collecting my outstanding amounts I came across an accident, where my right leg was broken. I was transferred to Frere Hospital in East London were they did the attendancies and I was cemented.

I have a suspicion this building contractor’s wife wrote this neatly typed letter. She was pretty good but she fabricated stories aplenty to account for her husband’s failure to reduce his overdraft. This one was true though ….umm , more or less. He did not come across the accident – he jolly well was in it! And his leg was encased in plaster of Paris, not cement. Jim was a likeable rogue though.

I had never get a repply about it, and my time has gone away. So Sir I would like to hearing to you about it and what going on with it. So Sir, I can be very much enjoy for the earliest repply.

It must be quite serious if your time has gone away. I hope we joined in the hunt for his truant time because he was obviously counting on us to do so. He was a respectful fellow anyway.

I comper my Booksbank savings account with yours. No you are wrong, at my book is only R16-00 sir. If you are not sure you can try to account again sir.

Gosh, this infers that we actually had more money in his name than his book showed. What kind of a bank WERE we back then? We were lucky to have such honest clients who were willing to point out our errors and forego benefitting by them.

Please Sir, I am here about this information. That I want this book to be have progeny or interest of this year.

Sadly, our bank only paid interest and never produced “progeny” as far as I know. I know I’m being silly but I have a mental picture of lots of little booklets, miniature copies of erstwhile savings books … PROGENY!

I thanked very much to entertained yrs on the 3rd instant I will understood every things. I beg to terminate there yrs faithfully boy

Pleasing to know our communication skills were as effective as his. I sure hope he DIDN’T terminate, the way he wanted to. We were getting on so well.

I replying to your This letter please closing those following R72 advitesement. I not maney word

Dunno what he meant by “advitesement”, do you? And yep, a shortage of words can be a barrier to effective communication – thank you for your consideration in confessing your shortcoming.

I could go on but I’m sure, Dear Reader, that I have started boring you, Before I “terminate”, just one more – not addressed to the bank but to an unknown pupil at one of the numerous little schools in the Sterkspruit area, by her obviously dedicated teacher.

Hello Ntobsie,

This is to show I do symphathise with you while you have faced this battle which needs no apparatus Like nkives, wapong and gums but only what you have been tought. Now its your turn to produce all what you have sucked in. At the same time remember that, no thing to be feared. Just have a self confidence and also self determination and believe that “Never too late to mend” You can mend till the last hour but not confuse your self. FEAR NOT DEAR NTOBSIE !!! and aim high that if you fall you just fall on the exact category succes : - succes !!!

Now wasn’t that just delightful ? How could little Ntobsie fail with that fine teacher egging her on ?

There you are then – have I raised some chuckles? Good but before you go, spare a thought for those earnest folk from long ago. Despite all the drawbacks of an unfair social system and inadequate education, they aspired to speaking and writing English and most, while far from fluent, managed to communicate in the language. Let’s have our chuckle but let’s not forget that somewhere there is an English teacher who chuckled at our bloopers too. Even now some pedant might be getting ready to dissect these scribblings of mine and hold me up to ridicule. By all means go ahead Sir Pedant. I’m just endlessly grateful that I was born into this wonderful language.